For this I am Grateful......

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I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.        Maya Angelou

Summer's lesson

My parents are in their eighties. They were fairly active thru their seventies. Then my Dad, the healthiest of the two began to decline much faster than anyone would have thought.

My Dad was a NYC Firefighter in the sixties, seventies and eighties.( Engine 82 & Ladder 31 among others ) A real hero. But Dad did not like ,or trust, doctors or dentists. Mainly because of  the lack of economic compassion . He let his teeth go and ended up with many small seizures or strokes. All added up to limited walking and an Alzheimer kind of thinking. Thoughts in his head but can't make the words come out right.

Last month,(June 2010) Mom broke her hip. I live 1300 miles from them and my brothers. I was the last to find out the situation. When I did my family, all eight of us, decided that this was the time to go help Mom and Dad. Not an easy decision. Besides all the goings on of life, my Mom had been quite vicious to us in the past, with the help/complicity of my siblings she was allowed her version of truth unquestioned. Regardless, through the years we made constant efforts so the children would know their grandparents. We seemed to achieve a relative peace.

Upon our arrival, I found my father in a condition of neglect. Disheveled, unkempt hair and nails and unwashed. This is what my brothers called allowing Dad his 'autonomy'. I was amazed that anyone could let him stay in this condition. Within a day we had him trimmed and washed and cleaned up. His spirit was visably regenerated. Every time I saw a need in his personal hygiene I asked him first and then helped him in accomplishing the task. Some how my brothers mixed up the ideas of autonomy with neglect. My mother still in the hospital, my brothers had been sharing the duties of my Dad. And yet they fought the idea of my returning home to help out. "We don't want Dad confused" and "The kids will be too much" were some of their concerns. My brothers have children too but mine were regarded differently. Justly so, I guess. I talked to my children about their DA, about how they can and should help and how the interactions of myself and my brothers affect decisions in our life. My brothers thought this information classified,"not for children".


From the moment we showed up Dad knew who we were. In fact , the first thing he said to me was "What took you so long!". Pop even recognized my husband. The kids love their DA and would sit with him and be his aide as much as kids can.

My husband left after a week to return to his job. We knew that this could be a long term arrangement but my father is my husband's friend . This is what we want for ourselves and others; love, encouragement, help, and friendship. I was alone in a crowd.

My Dad is probably the most important figure in my life. He is who I measure others by. His influence colors much of how I see the world. To see him dismissed in conversation while in the same room by my brothers was devastating. All I could think was 'how did we grow up in the same house'.  They would treat him like a child or neglect him in the name of autonomy. When I was 'caught' getting him into bed so he would not be on the edge I was scolded. "WE don't PUT him to bed"  and when I explained he was on the edge I was again given the complete autonomy rule.  Safety and comfort was not in the plan though because until we arrived (July) the air conditioners had not been installed! We installed the downstairs and basement machines. My brothers did Dad's room at this impetus, complete with extension cord coiled next to Pop's bedside! My bedtime routine became simple. Since I was the care-giver for Dad during the day, as well as my own kids, I let my fifteen year old son stay up with Pop till bedtime. Some nights he went early some late, my son just had to be there 'in case'. I was in the next room if needed. However, even this was to be disparaged by my siblings as not good enough. Autonomy be DAMMED!


I was truly amazed at how well Pop could still get around and converse even when his mouth would not cooperate. He looked great with his daily grooming. He would let me shave him every other day. Wash him everyday and even had a rinse for his mouth. He had pains in his legs that with a homeopathic cream disappeared. He seemed to enjoy being clean, who doesn't?  Pop would doze as I washed his face with rose water. His diet was varied and I had a hard time keeping the treats he liked in the house. He has a voracious appetite! He can almost run around the house, even though walkers are made for floors Pop can manipulate them for grass.

Finally it came time for Mom to come home. That's where it ends. My mom could not bear the thought of  me and my kids in her home for anything more than a visit. Her house, her things could not be changed or moved. This was inevitable with me in the house (not leaving ).Even so much as moving the TV so Pop didn't have to negotiate a second set of stairs. She was coming home to a full time job, my Dad, she could not do. She was limited in her mobility due to to her hip and no one but me had offered to move in to help. She said no. I tried to explain that if I did not stay a paid care giver would be needed. That they may only qualify for a very small amount of time. This was her decision and not so remarkably the boys did not interfere.

I explained that a return trip, if needed, would not be possible in my financial circumstances. My husband, while angry about leaving his friend without his daughter, said that we knew Mom would be the biggest advocate or obstacle. So, I informed the children that we would be going home. And amazingly enough ,only at the end of  a month there did I find that two of my five brothers were in favor of my staying, they couldn't help enough because of their own family situations. Failing health, autism and in-laws all being factors. But it is and was Mom's decision.

I've been back for a while now. My anger is now more pity and sadness. I send pictures and call Mom. Dad can't talk on the phone. But I get to say I love him. Mom sounds tired and I am sure she  is. What I can do is learn to not worry about the things in my life but the people. My home is where people care about me and for me. The Qur'an says that sometimes the thing that we dislike  most is the thing that is best for you. Mom isn't sure she believes in God. I Do.

Carnival of Chaos 2011!

Happy New Year 2011! Welcome to the Carnival of Chaos where everyone is welcome.

For this edition submissions were few. The spam box was full and needed to be emptied regularly. As daunting as this chore is , most things start small and the weeds need to be picked.

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For myself , this new year will be a year of calm and acceptance. I will teach myself that not all messes are to be cleaned up by me and not all clutter is bad! I have to remember that anyone with six kids at home ALL THE TIME will have clutter!

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And now to our Carnies!!

 

 



Welcome to the January 4, 2011 edition of carnival of chaos.

Read

Charles Chua C K presents Be Smart Be Knowledgeable posted at All About Living with Life We all need an admonition from time to time. Mr.Chua reminds us to be lifelong learners.





Danette M. Schott presents Help! S-O-S for Parents | Parental Involvement—the Cure for the Summer Slump! posted at Help! S-O-S for ParentsWhile it is not summer, I'm sure the Holidays can use these tips!

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Pascale Michelon presents The Top Brain Book Collection for Educators and Learners | SharpBrains posted at SharpBrains. Take a look! These are fun and sure to keep you active.





That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of carnival of chaos using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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Birthdays and UnBirthdays

    On August 18th, Abdur  Rabbi turned four years old. His favorite color has changed from orange to red. He has blue eyes that look deep into your soul just like his brother IIsa. Auby is my last child.  He slept in our bed and from the first night he would coo , letting us know he was comfortable. If we cooed first he would answer. He was and is a very happy child. May God continue to bless us.



August 28th is my birthday and Zeda's birthday. She turned into a teenager and I went to the downhill side of middle age. Zeda is a gorgeous, nurturing, silly young lady.  She makes her brothers crack up. She can whip up a loaf of bread from scratch in no time at all. I need a day just to prepare then a day to cook! People say we look alike but I don't see myself as beautiful as she is. I never did. I hope she believes me when I tell her .





She has asked that I buy her make up. I  worry that this is an indicator as to her self-reflection. I don't want her to base herself on outside influences. So, what did I say ? I said I would get her  'some' make up, lip gloss  and kohl. I used to wear the stuff  but now only once in a while and sparingly. Zeda is  a feminine spirit, natural and wholesome. I will help her experiment and experience things as I hope to keep her grounded.

When I look at my kids, especially around the birth-days, I think of how fast the years have gone by. I hear my mother's words coming out of my mouth. I still FEEL  like I'm in my twenties!  Then the mirror screams reality. I remember that I never thought I would get married or have kids! Boy, was I wrong!!  The funny thing is , now, I can't imagine life without them.( Except on bad days I imagine I am a hermit artist, alone with my art in a tropical paradise.) They are my raison d' etre, my joie de vive. I am swirling with mixed feelings of being old and young at the same time. How is it that the events of the past ten years are like a lifetime and yet I can remember the smell of the top of baby's head, peach cobbler!

It's like the Talking Heads sang  "Is this my beautiful life?"

                                                                  "How did I get here?"

I think now I prefer to celebrate  like the Mad Hatter - " A very merry un-birthday! To me!"

I Hate T.V.!

 We have no T.V. at home. I like this situation. No jingles are in the kid's head, they don't sit and stare at a Magic  Box that tells them how to look , think,and feel. In the average house ,by 18 months old,  the child can identify about 20 brand name items (probably more)!

We recently visited my parents who have a large T.V. in the center of the house. The place of honor is where everyone sits to visit. The big blank face pervades the room. While  my Dad watches it he sleeps. But my little darlings couldn't tear themselves from it. I think it called to them. It was a constant mantra "turn it off " " go out " , anything. I would unplug and take out the cable card but you can't fool the older ones.

Fourteen year olds are savvy and can find anything or fix anything. They also know when I'm in bed all  is well with the world. WATCH!  They don't watch porn but I remain opposed to the entire thing. It alters our outlook to a fantasy of impossible expectations. It is a world of violence that has no consequences and a onesided view of the planet that is hard to overcome even when one WANTS to. Kicking the TV habit is freeing both for the mind and body. And here I was sitting with the Devil again.

I managed TV free days. Beach and hiking helped. But I am happy to get back where there is no monster. I like seeing the kids read and play. I know their minds are active and free of false impressions presented as reality.  I HATE T.V.!

Home Education ,Parenting with Purpose

This is the first of my efforts in cyber space!

My name is Susan.  My husband and I  are a family with six children. YES! They are all OURS! It is probably the most common question we get. We are not a "blended"  family, they are our natural children.

We have been educating at home for 15 years. Ever since our first was born I knew this was the way for us. With that said, it was still a decision made with trepidation.  We birthed our children  at home with our wonderful Midwife. It was beginning of many choices that have greatly affected our lives. We consider home birthing the most natural and safe method of delivering a new soul into this world. It is such a beautiful experience that the natural progression would be the family bed, breast feeding and no vaccines.

These steps were effortless in the implementation. The children thrived and crying in our house was almost none! The whole idea of the baby junk all over, the tired Mommy , the screaming baby and neglected siblings was not what happened . Home education would be the next step. Main stream ideas had been proven wrong , so now we continued on.

It has not always been easy or calm or fun. But  when you know it is for someone you love you move through what ever it is and get back to happy. And that ,in very short terms, brings me here. While there is support out there, I rarely find anyone like me. I know some else like me may need  back up if  just to say' Good Job, no you're not crazy' . Not all kids are super spellers and they are not behind if they aren't. They are different from Public Schoolers and that's what we wanted!